normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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