I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he shaved USA in his pubs
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
