Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
