I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
