Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
