I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
