period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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