Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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