He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
