I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
