listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
