just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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