Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
