Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
