my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
