I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
