you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
