Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
