I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
