I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
