if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
