it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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