I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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