My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
