I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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