I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
