I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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