if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
