pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
