his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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