Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
