Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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