I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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