oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
