I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Found your dick twin last night
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
