The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
