there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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