What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
