my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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