I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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