well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
