when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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