Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
