i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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