He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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