maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
