Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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