I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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