i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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