a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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