so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
