I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
