was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
When are your genitals available?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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