I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
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she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
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and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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