maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
