she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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