I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
