I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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